Here’s an extreme situation: a woman who’s desperate, grasping.
Yes, we think it would “never be us.”
And yet – I’ve been there.
Have you?
Maybe not to this degree. Maybe not so “out there.”
AND – the principles are the same.
You yearn. You want. You feel lack. You miss. You try to make it happen. You pine. You rage at your situation, you despair…
If you can find any of yourself in here….you can fix it…
The Situation:
“Hello, Rori, I need help!
Two years ago I met a man online, and we both fell instantly for each other. How do I know this? Because he TOLD ME that he wanted to be the man who was there for me, he wanted to be the man who cared for me, HE WANTED TO BE MY MAN.
However, upon meeting him I learned that he was in his own stressful situation, which was he had just had a new baby boy with his ex. He did not love his ex, and she liked to manipulate him using their new son. He had gotten himself into that mess, and was pretty devastated by it.
So- the first date HE planned, he had to cancel because his ex decided to leave town that very same weekend, leaving their son in his sole responsibility.
He started pulling away. But he would ALWAYS REASSURE ME that it had nothing to do with me, and he “adored” me, and he just shut down at times.
Then one day, he emailed me, all hysterical, that his ex had just informed him that she has HPV, and may have given it to him while they were still dating. He was absolutely BESIDE HIMSELF and was MOSTLY CONCERNED ABOUT MY FEELINGS!!
We had only been talking for one month and both of our feelings were not only genuine, but STRONG. However we had not yet met in person at that time?
I was waiting to meet him in person to tell him that I HAVE HERPES (way worse than HSV), but after that email I did not think timing would be right.so I waited.
2.5 months after we met online, we met in person. Since his life was so “messy”, the only way we could meet was if I went out there and we met at a hotel. It sounds sleazy, but it wasn’t. It was magical. We, of course, did not have sex. We played around, kissing, and a bit more..but no sex. Nor did he even see me naked (top half only). However I was sick about having to tell him about my herpes, yet after being with him that night, I felt more confident that he would take it well.
He didn’t.
He SCREAMED, SHRIEKED, FREAKED OUT at me, and told me to leave him alone forever! That was October of 2011. I’ve been chasing him ever since.
He wouldn’t respond to me for months, but he finally did respond one day. Months later. About two. And he said that him and I could be “friends w benefits”, but he would never “be with me in that way,” ever. Again. He then said that he was done with all women. He was just “doing him and his son” and that’s all he could do.
I was so devastated I couldn’t function. So I continued to contact him every few weeks or months. Sometimes he’d flat out ignore me. Other times he’d respond, and sound really great! Sound like he did when we first met! But would pull away if we had a good conversation or he felt himself getting closer to me again. This was all through email and text.
Fast forward to now- very few months, when I CONTACT HIM, he’s been getting better and better. BUT, I’ve made every mistake in the book. I’ve chased him, I’ve initiated all contact, I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve, I’ve told him over and over how much he means to me, AND NOTHING HAS WORKED.
I left it alone for over four months just recently, but then cracked – I had to reach out. And his response? NOTHING BUT POSITIVE. He even asked to see me and said he’d drive out here!! ( we live an hour apart, and I’ve had no license this entire time due to DUIs), but what did he do? Pulled away AGAIN.
But there I was still making mistakes. I emailed him the next day, he didn’t respond. Now I know I shouldn’t have done that!! But it seems like if I don’t contact him, he would NEVER XOME TO ME AGAIN. It’s that fear that drove me.
I’ve also spent thousands on psychics…trying to understand this whole situation! Now I also know that speaking to psychics can be dangerous. I’d rather just seek a relationship counselor.
I think this still has potential, even though I’ve made so many mistakes I’m surprised he answers me at all. I just emailed him Friday and today, so he’ll read the emails tomorrow when he gets to work. But the last one I sent him, was me finally telling him exactly what I want (which is to be taken care of). He either will come forward, or he won’t.
But the waiting KILLS me. His silence has killed me for two years. I’m not sure if he’s ok with the herpes now, or if he just doesn’t like me, if I pushed him away beyond repair…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
Please he me. I would love to use all your tools, but how can I use tools on someone who I never see or speak to??
Lost in love”
My Answer:
Dear Lost in love:
We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt so wounded, so damaged, so unlovable, so untouchable that we not only settle for crumbs – we go AFTER crumbs!
So – my answer is completely not what you want.
This has absolutely nothing to do with this man. He’s irrelevant. He is meaningless to you. You can’t possibly “know” him, or know about any “relationship” between you – because there is none.
He is “not there.”
The only thing here that will make a difference to you, in your life, to ANY relationship with ANY man is YOU – and how you PERCEIVE “you.”
Everything you say here paints a picture of a worthless woman. A woman who is worthless in YOUR eyes.
And so, of course, you choose a man (and men, I feel certain…) who TREATS you as though you’re worthless.
Of course “sometimes” he “talks” to you when you call or contact him. Sometimes he’s just in the mood to talk to someone who adores him. YOU are a woman, someone, who adores him.
Who wouldn’t want to talk to someone who adores them – sometimes?
And then, most of the time – even an adoring person comes with “strings.” You have to do “something” BACK.
And he doesn’t want to do, or give, or even “twitch” back.
If this story you’re in were a movie – what would your perception of the heroine be? Would you identify with her, even – or would you be able to look at her and have thoughts, ideas?
Would you want to give her advice to get this man?
Or would you want to throw things at the screen, scream at her, and tell her to go out and Circular Date?
Whatever you can imagine wanting to think, feel, say, or do in response to the heroine in this movie – that’s going on in your own head.
You are constantly judging, manipulating, fearing, angering, raging at – YOURSELF.
The work starts with the Nasty Voice, and embracing every atom of yourself, inside and out – even the ones that are screaming AT you.
Here’s my favorite Holiday post….and happy everything to you…